“Prism Life” April 2020
It’s hard to believe that it’s been almost 2 months since Covid19 drastically upended all of our lives. The feelings I’ve had about it have been anything but consistent. I’ve accepted it, been disturbed by it, and everything in between.
Early on, I had to make the decision to avoid the news and slow my social media intake. All of it dusted up too much anxiety for me. My photography gigs had been cancelled due to social distancing, so I got to work on things to keep busy. I started two courses, an art project, cooked A LOT. (Probably a little too much). I felt a slight pressure to stay productive, for both my sanity and to take advantage of this time.
After a few weeks of this I found myself feeling unsettled and irritated. I’ve talked in the past about weighing too much of my self worth on how productive I can be, and here I was doing the same thing to myself during such an unknown time. One day after turning off the TV in boredom and annoyance, I asked myself “What is the best use of my time?”
And to my surprise, I heard a reply.
Deep down I felt a gentle nudge to take this time to gaze inward, and think about my life, its purpose, and what I want to be doing most with my time. For the next few weeks I allowed myself to slow down and spend the majority of my time reading books that I have illuminated some of my deepest questions about life. With this slowing and reflecting, unresolved emotional crap emerged from the darkness and called for this knowledge to be put into action.
My current life is stable, peaceful, and filled with wonderful, loving people, but somehow there are still old negative thought patterns from darker days running the show in my head. It’s like my body is here and now, but my mind acts like I’m still in a dark place. There is a fear of trusting where I am now. I’m tend towards being anxious and hyper vigilant, so I don’t move backwards, miss the signs, and end up where I was.
It’s continuous work, convincing negative thoughts that all is well now. Perhaps the greatest evidence to support this is that I made my way out of that dark place, away from those negative people and patterns. I recognize the mistakes I made along the way. If I look at how far I’ve come from where I was even 5 years ago, it gives me hope to leave it all - thoughts included - behind for good.
I’m glad to have had this time to allow some of these things come to light. They aren’t pretty, but I’m starting to understand their origin stories and the steps required to put them to rest. I’m hoping that as life restarts, I can take these tools ahead with me into the future and enjoy my peaceful life with these 2 wonderful guys.
