2012 was a rollarcoaster that tore through every aspect of my life, and started a chain reaction of major endings and blind beginnings. The biggest change was the end to a significant relationship. In fact, many people made an exit out of my life while many others made a triumphant return. (I didn't see that one coming!) There was also a move, a new job, and generally an end of an era. In a matter of a month I found myself removed from almost everything I knew as comfortable and familiar. For months I struggled with the urge to move on with the next chapter of my life as soon as possible. I knew things would get better and sort themselves out, I just couldn't see how or how long it would take. I wanted to skip the growing pains of picking up the pieces and head straight into new beginnings. But as 2013 approached it became clearer and clearer to me.....
This will be a year of PATIENCE and FAITH. (mixed in with some tough truths and therefore healing)
Patience with myself, with others, and with how much time it takes for things to evolve, progress, become clear, or finally CHANGE. Faith in the things I KNOW deep down even if they are not happening in front of me, and faith in my abilities to create the life I want for myself. I am now trying to practice patience and do my best to learn from every moment, person, and circumstance around me. I am observing, analyzing, (myself and the world around me) and making plans for my next moves in the most educated ways I can. I know what I want in life, and I always have. I'm merely trying to finally make it work (and happen) - in the best fashion for ME, and I want to do it right.
I've been re-reading my old journal entries (dating back from my first year in college) to try to understand not only where I've been, but also how far I've come in my goals and personal evolution. Part of analyzing the past is seeing the patterns and cycles we create for ourselves and finally realizing that the same actions will continue to create the same reactions over and over until you understand where you went wrong. What I've noticed from my scribbles, poems, doodles, and journal entries is that the things that I wanted for myself then, are still the things I aspire for now, and I'm ready to forgive those past mistakes and make different choices.
But I don't need to rush the process.
Every step of the way has had meaningful and necessary lessons to take the next. In a way I feel relieved that things are moving slowly. I have come to an unavoidable knowingness that I have to let go. There is nothing left do but completely surrender all my ideals for answers and control, and for once just trust that what is meant for me will make its way into my life all in due time - when I'm ready for it.